I love steak. Well – red meat really. Moist beef biltong. Thick juicy lamb loin chops. I love it so much that when my doctor said I’ll die of heart disease one day, I changed doctors. (She wasn’t on the approved list of general practitioners in the GP network, so I couldn’t claim from my Medical Savings account anyways.)
You probably love steak too. Flavourful and tender, each bite connects you to something ancient. Something which we have come to realize that you really “are what you eat’. So it’s only natural to ask ourselves – what does your steak choice say about you?
Some people - with too much time on their hands - in a survey of more than 1,000 people have revealed that steak eaters can be herded into one of five categories; psychoanalysed if you will according to distinct personality traits. The results make for similar reading to the back page horoscope. Come on – Fillet guys are “tender-hearted and dependable”? Pffft. Read on for what your meat choice really means…
They say: “Fillet eaters are tender-hearted and dependable, suave and enjoy a balanced and healthy lifestyle”.
I say: “Lover of Diesel jeans, well-groomed, rides his mountain bike once a month. Calls you bru when he can’t remember your name”.
Dr Quack says: “Sirloin ticks all of the boxes of flavour, texture and tenderness. Preferred by those with a healthy appetite; it represents people who are fearless and charming”.
IMHO: “Hates the gym. Likes to vacation at Club Med resorts. Amateur astronomer – but only the southern Hemisphere. Never rents fancy dress, because he owns a trunk full of costumes and onesies.”
The Rump steak is the choice of those who have a regular routine. It represents people who are loyal and reliable.
Pseudo-psychologist says: “Mainstream with a down-to-earth philosophy on life and a 'what you see is what you get' attitude.”
I say: “Most likely a Liverpool fan who likes listening to Nickelback. Enjoys the smell of gyms. Sometimes wears his wife’s panties”. When he leaves home, automatically says “wallet, keys, phone” aloud three times.
They say: “A carefree man, who has a balance in life yet a laid-back attitude. Bit of an adventurous and maverick spirit.”
I say: “Watches a lot of rugby, maybe even the odd Varsity Cup game. Makes his own craft beer, and his favourite Instagram account is Tattooed_Girls. Used to DJ during varsity days. One of those people who fills in “Neither Agree nor Disagree” for all the answers on customer surveys.
'It's a classic and iconic cut – that epitomizes its dichotomous nature - a combination of two different cuts.'
They say: “A man of conviction. Prefers the outdoors and the wilderness, yet deep down is a big softie”.
I say: “Favourite show is South Park, owns a bike but never rides it; parents left him on the side of the road on vacation. Who.is.he?”
The Skirt steak is preferred by the discerning diner, those who are refined and imaginative with their food.
They say: “Skirt is for people who like to take a bit of a risk and think outside the box.”
Bollocks: You are hip, though you prefer to use the word “hep” because less people use it. You own vinyl records because the sound is so rich…man, and you go to farmer’s markets every First Thursday.